14 March 2008
Virtuous Girl Complians: “Men Are Pigs and Just Want to Use Me for My Body”
Posted by Admin under: Editorials .
Dear Murdoch:
My friend Virtuous Girl is depressed because all the men she’s been meeting seem to be shallow, materialistic, and just out to use her body. Mother Hen has pointed out that it sends the wrong message to date men that a woman meets in bars. Virtuous Girl has decided that the most important thing is the values a man lives by. She’s wondering if she will end up single, but would rather be single than marry the kind of guy she’s been dating.
Out of advice,
Idealistic Parishioner
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Dear Idealistic Parishioner,
Virtuous Girl lamenting that men just want her for sex is like me lamenting that women just want me for money. There is a large of amount of truth to that. GoldenPeach Girl would be case study #1; when she dumped me she was explicit that it was because I wasn’t spending enough money on her. Everyone’s big fear is being used. Women such as Virtuous Girl are afraid of the “playa”. He’s that guy who’s out trophy hunting. In many cases (such as Turtle Girl’s) women will go to an extreme to protect themselves by picking submissive men. That route has its own pitfalls of the man “leeching” off of her. The women are so afraid of a strong personality taking advantage, that they can’t see the good that a strong personality could offer. Men are afraid of the “gold digger”; a girl who has no intention of entering into a relationship with him, but will lead him on with flirting in order to get free entertainment and gifts. Often she’s secretly having sex with “alpha males” in the form of muscular “thugs”. The extreme of this behavior is her having two boyfriends, a “cuckold” and a “bull”. By our age, almost everyone has been burned once or many times by a playa or gold digger.
There’s a few common emotional reactions after yet another break up:
* Anger directed outwards - This is the “I’ll get mine before they get theirs” attitude. This becomes a race to the bottom where the victim becomes the predator. If two people of this mentality end up together there’s a contest; how much money can she get from him without “putting out” (and the inverse for him). Another variant is the “revenge” motive. In this case the person becomes a “stalker” and sends nasty letters or otherwise tries to get back at their ex.
* Anger directed inwards - These people withdraw from dating and pour all their effort into advancing at work and on the social ladder. They hope to climb the desirability ladder and have better selection later. This is bad as well because their new worldly success will only be all the more enticing for the wrong sort of people.
* Despair - Perhaps what Virtuous Girl is experiencing. Similar to the above, but instead of being motivational it leads to depression. This is bad because it is giving up.
* Fantasy escape - “I’ll move to greener pastures”. One of my Google friends has made about 1 Million in stock options and was engaged to a girl who turned out to be a gold digger. Plus, she was cheating on him with a thug. He’s naturally heart broken and his response is to move to Singapore where he grew up to find a “traditional submissive Asian wife”. His reasoning is that if dating is just a commodities market, and women are only interested in him for his money, he will arbitrage his value by moving somewhere where the girls have a lower standard of living. That way he can trade his money for a “maid” at the best value. This is bad because problems follow you.
The next step is “rationalizing” what happened. This process involves focusing on all the negative things the other person did, though occasionally folks are introspective enough to put some of the blame on themselves. I recently went through this process myself. First, I said, “Most women are like GoldenPeach Girl and just want money, that’s how they’ve been raised so I can’t blame them”. Next I blamed myself for noticing but not taking action on various red flags. For example, I got her a lavish Christmas gift that showed genuine effort, yet she got me some tourist kitch from HK. I also took her on (a direct quote) “the best dates in my life”. We went to a chocolate truffle maker’s kitchen on Valentine’s Day weekend to learn how to make truffles. She never planned an equivalent date. Based on advice from Turtle Girl and Ice Queen, I took a risk and allowed her to run up a “tab”. Their opinion was that as the man I have to show leadership and eventually she will come around. I feel remorseful for ignoring my own advice and not dumping her preemptively based on my “three strikes you’re out” gold digger filter. I stated explicitly when we first started dating that I want a relationship balanced between give and take. How this balance is played out is negotiable; it doesn’t necessarily have to be financial. For example, If I pay for most things, then I hope for reciprocation such as her writing a love letter or cooking me dinner. However, in her case she was making only 10% less than me and was turned off by the “traditional submissive woman” role. Thus we agreed to go dutch. Yet, as the relationship evolved, I was consistently taking her out on far better dates in XX than she was taking me to in YY. In my mind she was taking much more than she was giving, but in her mind apparently I wasn’t giving enough. She resented paying for anything at all even though she agreed to it. She is a classic example of a gold digger — a woman who wants all the attention and resources flowing one direction towards herself.
If Virtuous Girl remains in despair too long, her negative attitude will scare quality men away. Women have been conditioned to be passive in the initial encounter. This is the principal problem in meeting “quality” men. In general, only the aggressive playas will approach, because they’ve been rejected so many times they have become desensitized to it. Women have no appreciation for the bravery it takes to say hi to a girl in public and the utter humiliation rude women have put the average guy through. I clearly remember a girl loudly stating, “you don’t deserve to talk to me” and all her friends laughing at me. This is quite common.
If Virtuous Girl wants a guy who’s not a playa, she’s going to have to be positive and proactive. She has to take responsibility for screening for the qualities she wants instead of letting the man pick her. Most women have a “piss off and die” public face that they’ve unconsciously developed over the years in order to screen out inappropriate men. Unfortunately this is a crude tool because it screens out everyone except the boldest playas. That’s the law of unintended consequences in effect. Perhaps Virtuous Girl needs to learn how to selectively turn off the “bitch shield” (as men call it) when she sees someone interesting. Men generally aren’t very sensitive to women’s subtle signaling, so Virtuous Girl should send an unmistakable invitation. This would involve turning to face him, having open body language, and making eye contact. Once eye contact is established, a warm smile is in order. If he’s still hesitant, a nod of the head to beckon him over might be appropriate. If Virtuous Girl wants to be even more proactive, she should consider “opening” a guy. Many guys will find a girl initiating conversation both highly unusual and flattering.
Once in conversation she should drop in screening statements or questions.
The typical gold digger asks things like:
* “What’s your job?” (Correct answer is executive management, lawyer, fireman, or celebrity. AKA, how much money do you make and how powerful are you?)
* “What zip code / neighborhood do you live in?” (AKA, how nice is your place and are you BSing about the job?)
* “I like a chivalrous man / gentleman” (AKA, I like a guy who will spend lots of money on me and show deferential behavior to me.) An even more aggressive version of this attitude is adopting a nickname such as “Princess”, “Queen”, or “Goddess” online.
My screens are:
* “Do you like dogs?” I’d follow with a conversation about how she would treat the dog. (AKA, are you warm-hearted, and would you make a good wife and mother?)
* “What do you do for a living?” (AKA, a softer form of the above that’s not focused on title. This is followed by a visual inspection of what she’s wearing. If she’s wearing Gucci, Prada, and LV head to toe, and she’s not at least equivalent to me in her career, then I assume she’s got a large credit card bill and is looking for a guy to pay it off. In business parlance that’s a “lifestyle audit”, also used by the IRS to detect tax cheats.)
* “What do you to to stay active?” (AKA, are you healthy and motivated)
* “What’s the nicest thing you’ve done for an ex?” Followed by, “Was he surprised?” (AKA, Is she giving? How often?)
In Virtuous Girl’s case she might say things like:
* “I go to Church every Sunday” (AKA, she’s traditional and not looking for casual sex. However, be careful not to appear frigid.) To soften this she could say, “I go to Church with my family on holidays” (AKA, I was raised traditionally, but I still like to have fun.)
* “I love playing with my cousins/nieces/nephews/friend’s kids” (AKA, She likes and wants kids. In men’s parlance that would be, “the biological clock is ringing; tag, you’re it”). Talking about kids too soon is a red flag to most men because they see someone who is a grown up party girl that just wants to get hitched ASAP to anyone with a large, stable paycheck. There is actually a book called “The Rules” that explains the process to find a high achieving geek with no backbone, aka a “provider”.
* “All my friends are getting married. I’ve been to X weddings this year!” (AKA, she wants to get married too, ASAP.)
Rule of thumb: one of the above casually inserted into the conversation at an appropriate time should be plenty. She shouldn’t be too obvious or use too many screening questions or else she will seem like a “Rules Girl” (unless she wants a “Rules Boy”). If the guy hasn’t excused himself immediately after hearing any of the above, he’s worth talking to more and possibly exchanging numbers with. Guys who respond to the above positively and also have a backbone don’t like “game playing”. Typical girl games from The Rules are: “Wait 3 days to respond to his message”, “Never answer the phone after Wednesday” etcetera (and yes, I have read the book for “counter-intelligence” purposes =) The premise being that men like to chase and she should manipulate his perception of her by being unavailable. Instead, she should be available and responsive, but also be explicit on who she is and what she wants. Finally, be clear on what she has to offer back. Women usually fall into the “I’m testing him” mentality but don’t realize that they have to market themselves in return. If she says, “I want to take it slow, fall in love, and eventually settle down”. What does he get in return? Will she be the wife who contributes nothing to the relationship and watches Oprah all day? Or will she be the wife who sends him a text message before an important meeting, saying “I love you and kick some ass!” Let me tell you…simple things like that are powerful because they are so rare (in my experience). I’d probably propose to a girl who displayed that type of behavior consistently.
One final overly “guyish” thought: The quickest way to feel better is to take action. Do something different and focus on a solution. Focusing on the problem and wallowing in your emotions only makes it worse. Every time I experience a break up I do a “post mortem analysis” (to use business jargon)…I list out the positives and negatives, and then list action items to remediate the negatives by adjusting my approach. I don’t want to do the same thing I’ve been doing because it is obviously not working.
Hoping for the best, but planning for the worst,
Murdoch
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